A SATIRICAL EPIPHANY ON NOVEL-WRITING

09 November 2014

OR - how not to write a novel - because as you all should know. I don't seem to be able to accomplish this particular goal. However, you all know I am the heart and soul of ideas that change people lives nod your heads so I figured I would share my [obviously satirical] epiphany on the art of novel-writing. Because who wouldn't want to hear it.

1. If you want to write a novel. You should write it.
Honestly, I don't understand those people who wish they could write a novel yet they don't ever put pen to paper. To write, you need to write. It's a basic fact that seems to go missing at the most convenient of times. Which brings me onto another thing: pens. Use a pen and paper, it stimulates the brain. Typing does not, never use a laptop - they will possess you. *Hides under a duvet typing this post*.

2. Drink lots of coffee. Caffeine is good.
It will make you hyper. Which will jab all those ideas swimming around your head in the backside with an electric prod and then, and then you will know what to write about. Who drinks water these days anyway? That's a blindingly obvious trend from last century. And again, another thing to add, keep up with the fashion why don't you - it'll help with your writing, as I clearly just showed.
3. Use big words, and lots of description.
Big words make you feel clever, and there's nothing worse than feeling like a total idiosyncratic ignoramus who cannot tell his ebullient characters from his gasconading-enthused villains. Secondly, description: it makes your word count seem like it could hit the moon. Dur. Who cares if nothing happens in your novel? As long as it's 50K+ no-one does. No-one reads these days anyway.

Have you guessed yet? I am attempting to continue some of my failed novel ideas previously outlined and moaned over. And, oh, you guessed already - it's not working. Mainly due to lack of time, I get about ten minutes a day to write which usually ends up with me staring at a blank word document and closing it with a gusty sigh after my ten minutes is up. Needless to say, I have yet to broaden my word count since I last checked it when I wrote my novel ideas post. But never fear, these three points will clearly aid in my arduous journey. After all, I did come up with them.

6 comments:

  1. I loooove number 1!! SO TRUE. I never understand when people are like "I'd like to write" but they haven't actually tried. If I want to do something, I at least try it. I complained that I'd like to draw for yeeeears and only now I'm actually trying to draw. hehe. I'm awful but hey I'M TRYING. No more complaining.
    I tend to overuse words in my first drafts, but then when I edit/rewrite I prune everything back so it's really bare and tight. x)

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  2. I'm one of those awful people who always do No.1. However, I blame it partially to the fact that although I love to write, and I've written things in the past that was gotten positive feedback, I don't feel I have a novel in me. I don't have an idea for a novel... Or I have tiny flickers of ideas that wouldn't get more then ten pages, never mind over a hundred, or reaching novel status.
    G. x

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  3. Totally love the first point. "Writing a book is always something i've really wanted to do... i've just never had the right kind of idea..." uh huh, yup, because all of my ideas have been brilliant and fantastic, that's why everyone knows my name. Yup. They do. Sigh.

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  4. I'm kind-of that person who wants to write a book but never actually writes. I wish I could dedicate time to writing every day or something but I have NO time. None. Zilch. I'm too popular with everybody (*ahem*my laptop and a stack of books) what can I say?

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  5. These tips I feel pertain to any sort of writing regardless of whether or not it is a novel. Besides caffeine is always a good idea :)

    Amelia @ YA Bookologists (ya-bookologists.blogspot.com)

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  6. This is awesome- love it! And so true. But don't tell me to drink coffee, me + Caffeine doesn't equal something good... Just a hyper ball of fluff.. XD

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+ thank you so much for commenting, I really appreciate it
+ recheck, I always try to reply [honest!]